I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.

I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, “My dad can beat up your dad.” I’d say Yeah? When?

Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.

I’m totally confused about what I’m going to do with my life.

And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, “This is my creation, perfect in every way… oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they’ll think I want them to smoke it… Now I have to create Republicans.

I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is f*cking IMPOSSIBLE. “Hey, buddy!” “Hey, what?” “Ummmmmmm….” End of argument.

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.

I am a misanthropic humanist… Do I like people? They’re great, IN THEORY.

There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

I think it’s interesting how people act on their beliefs. A lot of Christians, for instance, wear crosses around their necks. Nice sentiment, but do you think when Jesus comes back, he’s really going to want to look at a cross?

It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.

I hate patriotism… I can’t stand it. It’s a round world last time I checked.

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.

Yeah, we just said you know is your baby really too loud? You know?

The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it’s very brightly colored and it’s very loud and it’s fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: “Is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, “Hey, don’t worry, don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we kill those people.

You watch the news these days? It’s unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you’re immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.

I loved when Bush came out and said, ‘We are losing the war against drugs.’ You know what that implies? There’s a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full time job and children.

There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue–those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS–but they remain strangely silent.

It’s great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I’ve been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this sh*t one more time.

I don’t do drugs anymore… than, say, the average touring funk band.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

I’m a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? …Seventy percent. What the f-k? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?

Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their f*cking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!

I’m sorry if any of you are Catholic. I’m not sorry if you’re offended, I’m actually just sorry by the fact that you’re Catholic.

“This is your brain.” I’ve seen a lot of weird sh*t on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a f*cking egg and thought it was a brain.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Heres Tom with the Weather.

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing… kill yourself.

Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.

Folks, it’s time to evolve. That’s why we’re troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything’s failing? It’s because, um – they’re no longer relevant. We’re supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it’s not worth the f*cking effort. There is a difference.

I know this is not a very popular idea. You don’t hear it too often any more … but it’s the truth. I have taken drugs before and … I had a real good time. Sorry. Didn’t murder anybody, didn’t rape anybody, didn’t rob anybody, didn’t beat anybody, didn’t lose – hmm – one f*cking job, laughed my *ss off, and went about my day. Sorry. Now, where’s my commercial?

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin’ mouth.

I ascribe to Mark Twain’s theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind.

I don’t like anything in the mainstream and they don’t like me.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they’ve never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people’s minds, exposing them to the light.

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

You know I’ve noticed a certain anti-intellectualism going around this country ever since around 1980, coincidentally enough. I was in Nashville, Tennessee last weekend and after the show I went to a waffle house and I’m sitting there and I’m eating and reading a book. I don’t know anybody, I’m alone, I’m eating and I’m reading a book. This waitress comes over to me (mocks chewing gum) ‘what you readin’ for?’…wow, I’ve never been asked that; not ‘What am I reading’, ‘What am I reading for?’ Well, goddamnit, you stumped me…I guess I read for a lot of reasons — the main one is so I don’t end up being a f**kin’ waffle waitress. Yeah, that would be pretty high on the list. Then this trucker in the booth next to me gets up, stands over me and says [mocks Southern drawl] ‘Well, looks like we got ourselves a readah’…aahh, what the f*ck’s goin’ on? It’s like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George costume or something. Am I stepping out of some intellectual closet here? I read, there I said it. I feel better.

It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer’s p*ssy.

Sleep like f*cking children, don’t you? This is your world isn’t it?

The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty f*cking cruel isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don’t believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. ‘Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that’s enhanced your lives throughout the years were rrreal f*cking high on drugs. The Beatles were so f*cking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.

This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.

No one can give you any answers. There aren’t any. You have to discover for yourself-you must learn to navigate the mystery.

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind’s sole purpose on this planet. If you’re wondering what I believe our purpose on this planet is, I’ll give you a hint… it has to do with creating and sharing.

I’m tired of this back-slappin’ “isn’t humanity neat” bullsh*t. We’re a virus with shoes.

This is the material, by the way, that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for the past 15 years. Gee, I wonder why we’re hated the world over? Look at these fat Americans in the front row – ‘Why doesn’t he just hit fruit with a hammer?’ Folks, I could have done that, walked around being a millionaire and franchising myself but no, I had to have this weird thing about trying to illuminate the collective unconscious and help humanity. f*cking moron.

If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you’d be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

Thank you. Just a little thought. I’m just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day, they’ll take root. I don’t know. You try, you do what you can. Kill yourself. Seriously though, if you are, do.

I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative. I don’t like anything in the mainstream and they don’t like me.

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?

I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a f*cking cross? It’s like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.

Oh man, I am not doing that, you f*cking evil scumbags. “Ooh, you know what Bill’s doing now, he’s going for the righteous indignation dollar. That’s a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation. We’ve done research. Huge market. He’s doing a good thing.” Goddammit, I’m not doing that, you scumbags. Quit putting a goddamm dollar sign on every f*cking thing on this planet! “Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant market. Bill’s very bright to do that.” God, I’m just caught in a f*cking web. “Ooh, the trapped dollar, big dollar, huge dollar. Good market. Look at our research. We see that many people feel trapped. If we play to that and then separate them into the trapped dollar…” God, how do you live like that? I bet you sleep like f*cking babies at night, don’t you? “What did ya do tonight honey?” “Oh, we made ah, we made ah, arsenic ah, childhood food now, goodnight.”

Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going, “he’s doing a joke…” there’s no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tail-pipe, f*cking hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend. I don’t care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil f*cking machinations. Machi… whatever, you know what I mean. I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now too, “Oh, you know what Bill’s doing, he’s going for that anti-marketing dollar. That’s a good market, he’s very smart.”