Comedy Archives - Big Hive Mind

The Best, Funny Karl Pilkington Quotes

admin — Thu, 30 Jul 2020 14:00:00 +0000

Here’s a selection of Karl Pilkington Quotes, covering topics such as cartoon, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and moaning.

We really hope you enjoy these quotes and that they give you something to think about.

People eat duck and you think, well, we’ve got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!

I don’t know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they’d kick off.

Luke mentioned that a lot of people go to the kumbh mela festival to ‘find themselves’. That’s a saying i’ve never understood. If I did want to find myself, I don’t think i’d find me at a festival with 20 million other people. I hate crowds. The.

Exfoliating.

A problem solved is a problem caused.

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

I’d rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.

It wouldn’t happen… There hasn’t been one publication by a monkey.

The bus was running late, but in truth this was no surprise. Delhi probably got its name from the word ‘delay’.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

I always have a problem liking things i’m told I should like.

Shitty nappy whizzing through the air, you don’t see that in the brochures.

I always have a problem liking things that i’m told I should like. This has been the problem with most of the wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the ‘great’ wall of china annoys me. I’ll decide if it’s great or not. It might end up being the ‘all right wall of china’ to me.

We’ve had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin’ about age.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. […] i’d seen footage of gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn’t anything else drown it out at the time?

I don’t really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy rice krispies and a spicy biscuit with some really sweet, milky tea. Not the way I normally like it, but I drank it anyway as I didn’t want to offend him. I suppose that is my heart telling me how to act instead of my head again. My arse may get involved later though.

When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I’ve done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.

Normally you can’t hear you’re own voice because you’re talking over it.

It annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. At the end of the day they’re the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.

Before we left, seija asked if I felt any cosmic powers. I wanted to say yes, but I hadn’t, so I decided to be honest with her. She seemed disappointed by this news.

I’ve never understood the ‘things to do before you die’ idea. If I was ill, I’d be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.

All fame is is having people you don’t know coming up to you and saying, ‘Hello.’ I’m always polite and people are always nice, but it’s weird.

My mam told me not to tell many people about not being christened, as she said I would be a prime target for witches. To this day I don’t know what she meant by that.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

Why didn’t evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla’s just sat there doing nowt.

You never see an old man eating a twix.

Being honest with you, it’s not the ‘great’ wall of China. It’s an all right wall. It’s the ‘All Right Wall of China.’

I’m not that lazy, but I don’t need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.

It’s weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don’t know if I’m in charge of mine.

They do it in thai restaurants in london. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from finding nemo.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you’re not used to spending that much time with people.

A slug is always on its own. It’s a lonely insect.

There is no need for ants to have the ability to fly.

This is the problem with over-crowded inner-city schools there aren’t enough parts for everyone in the nativity story.

We’re gonna get weaker. That’s already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they’re saying eat five fruits. That’s evidence. You can’t argue with that.

I’ve got loads of nieces and nephews.

That’s the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.

Treat the world like a head.

I’ve never been touched by such an old man.

One of my wisdom teeth is playing up. My dentist said it is known to happen with some people when they’re stressed. My teeth seem to know i’m stressed before I do. Maybe that’s why they’re called wisdom teeth.

I’ve always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

I told her that I can’t be doing with the wonder part of these trips, but she said it should be the icing on the cake… I’ve never liked wedding cake due to the amount of icing, but then imagine a wedding cake without it; just a dark, stodgy, horrible dry sponge. The icing covers up the mess, and that’s how I feel about most of the wonders. They use them to get people to visit a place that you probably wouldn’t think about visiting.

I sometimes wear headphones even though i’m not listening to anything just so i’m left alone. It’s the next best thing to wearing a ‘do not disturb’ sign.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?.

I really can’t believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

It’s not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, i’m getting enough bills for so I hope I am him, ‘cos if i’m not, I have no idea who i’m paying for.

A block of blood should not have the word “cake” after it…they might as well say “shite gateau.

The only memory I have was how the wrestler’s balls that were thrust into my face left a saltiness on my lips. At first I assumed it was from the tacos, and then I realised i’d not eaten any today. I.

I’ve never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

The other day I was thinking – because I get a lot of headaches – I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it’s probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it’s at the top as opposed to, I don’t, dangling at the bottom somewhere.

Comedy’s really subjective, you know.

A while back I heard bears have to stick leaves up their arse to stop ants crawling up there and biting them! I know the world is getting overpopulated but it isn’t that crowded that things have to live up an arse. No wonder paddington bear left peru for london. When you’ve got bears wanting to leave the country it makes me wonder what i’m doing here.

I’ve heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that’s dangerous.

Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.

People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don’t know if that’s true, if that’s some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this.

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can’t relate to it. I think most people got into ‘cos it gave them something to do on a sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn’t required as much.

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched ‘University Challenge.’ The onion was probably the highlight.

Phlegm.

Had a wee in the amazon. Until richard told me I should be careful because there are some tiny fish that can swim up from the water through my urine and into my knob! is that how amazing the amazon is? the fish in there would really rather live in my knob than the river.

I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you’re seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that’s added gives you a certain feeling.

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says – it’s only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!.

[jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? just give them another 3% and make them water. It’s more useful.

The cafe was called tattoos. The fella who owned it didn’t have any tattoos… But we never saw his wife.

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. I walked down the street feeling like the pied piper. At.

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go ‘even though i’ve been enjoying it, i’ve had enough. Give us another book.

I thought the fart was a human thing. It’s something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

It’s interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

I’ve been on the planet for 40 years now, and I’m still none the wiser as to what it’s all about really. I’ve never worried about life’s big questions. People at my age sit about pondering, ‘Why are we here?’ The only time I ever asked myself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an’ all this. It’s nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it’s because there’s too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

I must have had about 30 to 40 people surrounding me. I’d seen footage of gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

A dog has got human eyes.

I could eat a knob at night.

I’d say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they’re meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.

People who live in glass houses… have to answer the door.

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn’t know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

Apparently you’re not allowed to lick a toad’s back.

If you can’t do it, don’t do it.

But I’m not an idiot. At the end of the day, I’ve learned a lot.

The Best Mighty Boosh’s Old Gregg Quotes About Funk And Love

admin — Fri, 29 May 2020 14:00:00 +0000

Hi there! Unfortunately we don’t have as many Old Gregg Quotes as we’d like at the moment, but it’s definitely on our to do list to get some more. We’d ideally like to get quotes that cover topics such as Baileys, the legend, freedom and life.

If you’d like to see some more quotes on this topic then please don’t hesitate to let us know.

70+ Dwight Schrute Quotes, From Beets To Inspiration

admin — Wed, 28 Feb 2018 19:33:43 +0000

Assistant to the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, salesman, and B&B proprietor of Schrute Farms beet plantation, Dwight K Schrute may not have tact (or any other social skill), but he never lacks wisdom. There’s hardly a subject on which Dwight Schrute doesn’t have an opinion, from the martial arts to table tennis to Judge Judy to the 1987 Pontiac Trans Am. The Office’s favorite sidekick is funny even when he doesn’t mean to be, and what he lacks in common sense and pop culture knowledge he makes up for in...something. We don’t quite know what makes this character tick, but whatever it is, it makes for some memorable quotes.

Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.

There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory.

Once I’m officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.

People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.

“R” is the most menacing sound in the English language. That’s why it’s called “murder” and not “muckduck.”

You’re PMS’ing pretty bad huh?

If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation.

Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it.

Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.

I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I’d be good at picking the person.

I don’t care what Jim says, that is not Benjamin Franklin. I am 99% sure.

No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.

In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching.

Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep.

Now that I own the building I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center? Muahahahahahahahaha…Well I guess it’s not an evil idea, it’s just a regular idea, but there’s no good laugh for a regular idea.

Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.

I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose And a panther.I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose And a panther.

And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor.

When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.

I overslept. Damn rooster didn’t crow.

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having s*x in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

The eyes are the groin of the head.

You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.

I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors.

Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.

Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.

I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.

Those who can’t farm, farm celery.

I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.

What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.

I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same…except I could fly.

Always the Padawan, never the Jedi.

In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is Oh, I broke my leg!_x009d_ A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!

Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last!”

Of course Martial arts training is relevant… Uh, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ… You know what, you can go to hell, and I will see you there. Burning!

It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis… The person who I most medium suspect.

The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever.

Before I do anything I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

All you need is love. False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.

As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out… she was. With a couple of guys actually, so… mystery solved.

I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.

Yes I have acted before. I was in a production of “Oklahoma!” in the 7th grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that. I was good.

I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.

My feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man.

Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don’t believe everything that people on television tell you.

There are 3 things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.

I do not fear the unknown. I will meet my new challenges head-on, and I will succeed, and I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me.

Trust me, you are going to want to heeeeeat, my words.

Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of it’s misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.

D.W.I.G.H.T – Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific.

I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for “Grizzly Man” and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cuz that’s the thing about bear attacks… they come when you least expect it.

A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.

I am not a security threat. And, my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.

When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. [proudly] Urine. It was urine.

I never smile if I can help it…. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis….Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of six sense. You can read their moods like a book. Right now the title of Michael’s book is ‘Something Weird Is Going On… colon… What Did Jan Say?’ The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott with Dwight Schrute.

People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.

Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.

Over 150 Of The Funniest Quotes In The Universe

Sam Gibbons — Wed, 24 May 2017 11:57:24 +0000

No one has ever complained about laughing too much, so go on and take a look at these funny quotes. Whether amusing, witty or silly, they are sure to lift your mood, and if you have been down in the dumps lately, consider yourself cured. We have your day’s dose of laughter medicine.

Funny Quotes About Life

These witty quotes will help you put aside the seriousness of life for a few moments and help you see its brighter side. Careful, you might catch a case of the chuckles.

Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.

Anonymous

Life is not about how you survive the storm, it’s about how you dance in the rain.

Anonymous

All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.

Anonymous

Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer.

Anonymous

I consider myself a crayon, I might not be your favorite color but one day you’ll need me to complete your picture.

Savannah Highnote

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Elayne Boosler

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Oscar Wilde

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Mark Russell

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Steve Martin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Dave Barry

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Miles Kington

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Douglas Adams

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Emo Philips

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Greg King

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Elbert Hubbard

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.

Reba McEntire

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Chris Rock

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Jules Renard

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

Funny Quotes About Friends

Get your best friend, pick up a snack and scroll through the following quotes. Prepare to revel in the delicious feeling that comes with sharing a laugh with your favourite person.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

Anonymous

As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.

Anonymous

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

Anonymous

Studying means 10% reading and 90% complaining to your friends that you have to study.

Anonymous

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Robert Bloch

The antidote of fifty enemies is one friend.

Aristotle

The language of friendship is not words, but meanings.

David Henry Thoreau

A true friend never gets in your way, unless you happen to be going down.

Arnold H. Glasow

It is the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected.

Charles Lamb

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

A good friend will help you move. But best friend will help you move a dead body.

Jim Hayes

A true friend stabs you in the front.

Oscar Wilde

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

Bernard Meltzer

We are keenly aware of the faults of our friends, but if they like us enough it doesn’t matter.

Mignon McLaughlin

I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Oscar Wilde

Shared joys make a friend, not shared sufferings.

Friedrich Nietzsche

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

Erma Bombeck

Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.

Cookie Monster

Never make excuses. Your friends don’t need them and your foes won’t believe them.

John Wooden

Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.

Greg Tamblyn

Funny Quotes About School

School is no laughing matter, or so you thought. These quotes will have you saying otherwise. Just make sure not to read them in class, unless you want to get into trouble for laughing uncontrollably.

Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world — an assigned parking space.

Gene Perret

In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.

Tom Bodett

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.

Epictetus

No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.

Edgar Watson Howe

Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

E.C. McKenzie

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Will Durant

People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.

Bill Vaughan

Education helps you earn more. But not many schoolteachers can prove it.

E.C. McKenzie

Work hard, nap hard.

Demi Lovato

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.

Milton Berle

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Woody Allen

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you’re an adult and you’re a poet, it’s all about love and pain, but if you’re a kid it’s, “Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?”

Mike Birbiglia

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

Emo Phillips

If you’re studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

Steve Martin

I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.

Bill Cosby

Of course, I couldn’t tell the kids at school I was a transvestite. They’s kill me with sticks. “Why are we killing him with sticks?” “I don’t know… he said a word we didn’t understand… and he won at Scrabble with it…”

Eddie Izzard

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

Dylan Moran

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow… children. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can’t read it.

Jimmy Carr

In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” And then they told me “Nobody’s perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright

My father walked to school 4 o’clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.

Bill Cosby

Funny Quotes About Work

Your job got you down? Bored at work? Got a case of the Monday blues? Take a gander at these quotes and turn that frown right side up. Come five o’clock, you won’t want to leave.

Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day!

Anonymous

When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s already 6:45. When you’re at work and it’s 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s 2:31.

Anonymous

As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.

Tom Goins

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.

John Gotti

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Fred Allen

I don’t work on weekends, or any other day that ends with “Y”.

Anonymous

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

Simpsons

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Edgar Bergen

If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z – keeping your mouth shut.

Albert Einstein

If what you’ve done is stupid but it works, then it really isn’t that stupid at all.

David Letterman

If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.

Lane Kirkland

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Groucho Marx

Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.

Huey P. Long

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment.

Robert Benchley

I do my job in a very professional manner. I take money for it every chance I get.

Melanie White

It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.

James Thurber

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Charles Lamb

Personally, I have nothing against work, particularly when performed, quietly and unobtrusively, by someone else.

Barbara Ehrenreich

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Jerome K. Jerome

No one’s dream job involves a kiosk.

Damien Fahey

Funny Quotes About Wine

Are you a wine lover or connoisseur? Whether you answer in the affirmative or not, you will get drunk on laughter with these quotes about the fine beverage. Who knew grape juice could be such a source of entertainment?

Champagne. In defeat you need it.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Beer is made by men, wine by God.

Martin Luther

Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.

Anonymous

It takes a lot of good beer to make great wine.

Brian O’Donnell, Winemaker of Belle Pente

Champagne is appropriate for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

Madeline Puckette

Either give me more wine or leave me alone.

Rumi

The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars.

Benjamin Franklin

Life is too short to drink bad wine.

Anonymous

My only regret in life is that I didn’t drink enough Champagne.

Robert Noecker

Give me wine to wash me clean of the weather-stains of cares.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

God made only water, but man made wine.

Victor Hugo

Nothing more excellent or valuable than wine was every granted by the gods to man.

Plato

Wine – it should be enjoyed for the benefits of the soul – and nothing more.

Peter Fiduccia

Wine can be considered with good reason as the most healthful and hygenic of all beverages.

Louis Pasteur

A person with increasing knowledge and sensory education may derive infinite enjoyment from wine.

Ernest Hemingway

Wine, it’s in my veins and I can’t get it out.

Burgess Meredith

Wine has been a part of civilized life for some seven thousand years. It is the only beverage that feeds the body, soul and spirit of man and at the same time stimulates the mind…

Robert Mondavi

Wine is the sort of alcoholic beverage that does not destroy but enriches life; does not distort but clairfies perspective; does not seduce except in a way worth humanly being seduced.

Bill St. John

A bottle of wine begs to be shared; I have never met a miserly wine lover.

Clifton Fadiman

Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter,
Sermons and soda-water the day after.

Lord Byron

Funny Quotes From Movies

Grab some popcorn, sit back, relax. If you like comedies, you are in for a treat. These movie quotes from such classics as Dumb and Dumber and Bananas will have you cracking up in no time.

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.

Dr. Strangelove: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

I remember when I was a little boy, I-I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille, and I used to rub the dirty parts.

Bananas (1971)

– “Hey Ralph! How much is a copy of Orgasm?”
– “Uh, just put ’em in a bag, will ya?”
– “What?”
– “Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy. How much is it?”
– “I’m doing a sociological study on perversion – up to advanced child molesting.”

Bananas (1971)

– “Taggart.”
– “Yes, sir.”
– “I’ve decided to launch an attack that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes.”
– “What do you want me to do, sir?”
– “I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the West. Take this down: ‘I want rustlers, cut-throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nit-wits, half-wits, dim-wits, vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bush-whackers, horn-swagglers, horse-thieves, bull-dykes, train-robbers, bank-robbers, *ss-kickers, sh*t-kickers, and Methodists! Ha, ha, ha, ha!”
– “Could you repeat that, sir?”

Blazing Saddles (1974)

“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do somethin’ like this — and totally redeem yourself! Ha Ha!”

Dumb & Dumber (1994)

“Hey look everybody! Billy peed his pants.”
– “Of course I peed my pants, everybody my age pees their pants. It’s the coolest.”
– “Really?”
– “YES! You ain’t cool, unless you pee your pants.”
– “Wow! Hey, man. Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!”
– “If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”

Billy Madison (1995)

“God gave men brains larger than dogs’ so they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.”

Hackers (1995)

“Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat…”

Tommy Boy (1995)

“I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you’re the middle child in a family of five million, you don’t get any attention. I mean, how is it possible?”

Antz (1998)

“I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day he tells me it’s my fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife, and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him. Yeah, I did a little jail time, but it was worth it.”

Living Out Loud (1998)

“If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it’s that a male model’s life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn’t mean that we too can’t not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.”

Derek Zoolander, Zoolander

“Glenn Coco? FOUR for you, Glenn Coco! You go, Glenn Coco.”

Damian, Mean Girls

“This is your doctor. I have your pregnancy report here, and guess what? You got knocked up.”

Ron Burgundy, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

“I’m over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I’ve ever seen in my entire life, and it’s B.S. — excuse my language. I’m just saying that I wash and dry; I’m like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke — no offense — it’s just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it’s bulls**t — and I’m sorry. I’m not putting down your profession, but it’s just the way I feel. I don’t want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this s**tty food — no offense — and I just think that I don’t need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There’s three weeks left of school, give me a f**king break! I’m sorry for cursing.”

Seth, Superbad

Edith: “What about my dreams?”
Dewey Cox: “Edith I told you I can’t build your candy house! It will fall apart, the sun will melt the candy, it won’t work!”

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

Hal: “Does she take the cake, or what?”
Mauricio: “She takes the whole bakery, Hal.”

Shallow Hall

Jerry: “Don’t analyze me, Phyllis, okay? You know, many have tried and all have failed. My brain doesn’t fit the usual id-ego-superego model!”
Phyllis: “No, you have the only brain with three ids.”

To Rome with Love

“I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy. Come on, Squishy Come on, little Squishy.”

Dory, Finding Nemo

“Is that everything? It seemed like he said quite a bit more than that.”

Bob, Lost in Translation

Doorman: “You old, she pregnant. Can’t have a bunch of old pregnant b**ches running around. That’s crazy, I’m only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there’s 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there’s a black midget in the crowd.”

Knocked Up

Funny Quotes About Being Single

Proceed with caution. These quotes might make you decide to never settle down. They will show you just how amusing it can be to be unattached. You have been warned.

The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.

Unknown

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

Garry Shandling

I don’t need a man to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we’ll ever have is the one with ourselves.

Shirley MacLaine

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

Carl Jung

Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.

Unknown

Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand.

Unknown

You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.

Chris Rock

I’m great at giving advice to singles; I’ve been coping with loneliness for a long time, and I have a lot of experiences to share for 3.99 a minute.

Bauvard

I’m not sure if it’s better to be alone but it’s probably safer.

Eleanor Prescott

I’m not single, I’m just wait for my girlfriend to quit playing hide and seek.

Tim Walters

I’ve been single for awhile and I have to say, it’s going very well. Like…it’s working out. I think I’m the one.

Emily Heller

Why is it that people think staying in a bad relationship is better than being single? Don’t they know that being single is the first step to finding a great relationship?

Jennifer O’Neill

Next time you hit a speed bump otherwise known as the age old question, “Why are you still single?” look ‘em in the eye and say: ‘Because I’m too fabulous to settle.

Mandy Hale

I love being single. It’s almost like being rich.

Sue Grafton

I like being single, I’m always there when I need me.

Art Leo

Ever since college, I make friends. They get married. I lose friends.

Chuck Palahniuk

As a self described idealistic I never consider myself as single. I like to say that I’m in between romances at the moment.

Carl Henegan

Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

Matt Groening, The Simpsons

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

Woody Allen

Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

Oscar Wilde

Funny Quotes About Sisters

Who said girls are not funny? Now take a pair of them, make sure they are related, and you have all kinds of mischief and pranks brewing up. But after they have made you laugh, these quotes about sisters will warm your heart.

This is a note to say “sorry” to you.
I should not have swapped your zit cream with glue.
I never imagined you’d actually use it.
Now wasting away in the emergency room I sit.

Angela Rose

The mildest, drowsiest sister has been known to turn tiger if her sibling is in trouble.

Clara Ortega

The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.

Oscar Wilde

Never let an angry sister comb your hair.

Patricia McCann

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can’t get rid of. You know whatever you do, they’ll still be there.

Amy Li

If sisters were free to express how they really feel, parents would hear this: “Give me all the attention and all the toys and send Rebecca to live with Grandma.

Linda Sunshine

You can kid the world, but not your sister..

Charlotte Gray

Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer.

Louise Glück

A sister is both your mirror – and your opposite.

Elizabeth Fishel

Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.

Pam Brown

I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.

Maya Angelou

Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caringquite often the hard way.

Pamela Dugdale

How do people make it through life without a sister?

Sara Corpening

If your sister is in a tearing hurry to go out and cannot catch your eye, she’s wearing your best sweater.

Pam Brown

Yes, I do have the best sister in the world. It’s just that she’s crazy and she scares me a little bit.

Anonymous

Sisters take care of each other, watch out for each other, comfort for each other and are there for each other through thick and thin.

Bonnie L. Oscarson

A perfect sister I am not. But thankful for the one I’ve got.

Anonymous

Middle sister. Victim of our older sibling. Tormentor of our younger sibling and somehow, peace keeper between the both of them.

Anonymous

I’m not just a sister. I’m a big cup of wonderful covered in awesome sauce with a splash of sassy and a dash of crazy.

Anonymous

A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves – a special kind of double.

Toni Morrison

Funny Quotes On Marriage

Here we have for you the perfect source of inspiration for a wedding toast. Whether you decide to go for the biting quote or the light-hearted one, the choice is yours.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Socrates

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.

Mae West

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

Voltaire

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.”

Clint Eastwood

My prince is not coming on a white horse… He’s obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.

Anonymous

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.

Helen Rowland

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

Sigmund Freud

Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.

Ogden Nash

Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurrasic Park.

Anonymous

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

Joey Adams

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Maryon Pearson

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?

Groucho Marx

You know… There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!!!

Bill Maher

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

Anonymous

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

Robert Frost

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Anonymous

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Groucho Marx

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

James Holt McGavran

Funny Quotes About Brothers

Sisters have got nothing on them. Brothers might get rowdy and resolve their issues with a little fisticuffs, but when all is said and done, they also know how to have a good time as these quotes show us.

When I look at each of my brothers, I see two things. First, I see the next place I want to leave a rosy welt. Second, I see a good man who will always be there, no matter how hard life gets for me or him. Then, I get out of the way because I realize he’s coming at me with a wet dish towel.

Dan Pearce

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose.

Garrison Keillor

It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.

Dylan Thomas

You’re a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn’t even have the decency to have!

Groucho Marx

There is a little boy inside the man who is my brother… Oh, how I hated that little boy. And how I love him too.

Anna Quindlen

I think I’m funny because my family, my siblings were funny.

Martin Short

What strange creatures brothers are!

Jane Austen

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

Bob Hope

Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.

Sam Levenson

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.

Lemony Snicket

Your siblings are the only people in the world who know what it’s like to have been brought up the way you were.

Betsy Cohen

What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.

Esther M. Friesner

The best thing about having four big brothers is you always have someone to do something for you.

Chloe Moretz

Half the time when brothers wrestle, it’s just an excuse to hug each other.

James Patterson

I can’t work with my brother without laughing.

Dick van Dyke

I hated Chris, my brother. I would pull his hair and kick him, until one day my father gave him permission to fight back. I’ll be apologizing to him for the rest of my life.

Stevie Nicks

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.”

Harmon Kellebrew

The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother – and they’ll settle for a puppy every time.

Winston Pendelton

I smile because you’re my brother.
I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it.

Unknown

Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.

Marc Brown