The Best, Funny Karl Pilkington Quotes

People eat duck and you think, well, we’ve got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!

I don’t know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they’d kick off.

Luke mentioned that a lot of people go to the kumbh mela festival to ‘find themselves’. That’s a saying i’ve never understood. If I did want to find myself, I don’t think i’d find me at a festival with 20 million other people. I hate crowds. The.

Exfoliating.

A problem solved is a problem caused.

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

I’d rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.

It wouldn’t happen… There hasn’t been one publication by a monkey.

The bus was running late, but in truth this was no surprise. Delhi probably got its name from the word ‘delay’.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

I always have a problem liking things i’m told I should like.

Shitty nappy whizzing through the air, you don’t see that in the brochures.

I always have a problem liking things that i’m told I should like. This has been the problem with most of the wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the ‘great’ wall of china annoys me. I’ll decide if it’s great or not. It might end up being the ‘all right wall of china’ to me.

We’ve had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin’ about age.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. […] i’d seen footage of gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn’t anything else drown it out at the time?

I don’t really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

I was woken early and had breakfast with the guru. We had some spicy rice krispies and a spicy biscuit with some really sweet, milky tea. Not the way I normally like it, but I drank it anyway as I didn’t want to offend him. I suppose that is my heart telling me how to act instead of my head again. My arse may get involved later though.

When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I’ve done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.

Normally you can’t hear you’re own voice because you’re talking over it.

It annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. At the end of the day they’re the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.

Before we left, seija asked if I felt any cosmic powers. I wanted to say yes, but I hadn’t, so I decided to be honest with her. She seemed disappointed by this news.

I’ve never understood the ‘things to do before you die’ idea. If I was ill, I’d be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.

All fame is is having people you don’t know coming up to you and saying, ‘Hello.’ I’m always polite and people are always nice, but it’s weird.

My mam told me not to tell many people about not being christened, as she said I would be a prime target for witches. To this day I don’t know what she meant by that.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

Why didn’t evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla’s just sat there doing nowt.

You never see an old man eating a twix.

Being honest with you, it’s not the ‘great’ wall of China. It’s an all right wall. It’s the ‘All Right Wall of China.’

I’m not that lazy, but I don’t need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.

It’s weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don’t know if I’m in charge of mine.

They do it in thai restaurants in london. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from finding nemo.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you’re not used to spending that much time with people.

A slug is always on its own. It’s a lonely insect.

There is no need for ants to have the ability to fly.

This is the problem with over-crowded inner-city schools there aren’t enough parts for everyone in the nativity story.

We’re gonna get weaker. That’s already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they’re saying eat five fruits. That’s evidence. You can’t argue with that.

I’ve got loads of nieces and nephews.

That’s the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.

Treat the world like a head.

I’ve never been touched by such an old man.

One of my wisdom teeth is playing up. My dentist said it is known to happen with some people when they’re stressed. My teeth seem to know i’m stressed before I do. Maybe that’s why they’re called wisdom teeth.

I’ve always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

I told her that I can’t be doing with the wonder part of these trips, but she said it should be the icing on the cake… I’ve never liked wedding cake due to the amount of icing, but then imagine a wedding cake without it; just a dark, stodgy, horrible dry sponge. The icing covers up the mess, and that’s how I feel about most of the wonders. They use them to get people to visit a place that you probably wouldn’t think about visiting.

I sometimes wear headphones even though i’m not listening to anything just so i’m left alone. It’s the next best thing to wearing a ‘do not disturb’ sign.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?.

I really can’t believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

It’s not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, i’m getting enough bills for so I hope I am him, ‘cos if i’m not, I have no idea who i’m paying for.

A block of blood should not have the word “cake” after it…they might as well say “shite gateau.

The only memory I have was how the wrestler’s balls that were thrust into my face left a saltiness on my lips. At first I assumed it was from the tacos, and then I realised i’d not eaten any today. I.

I’ve never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

The other day I was thinking – because I get a lot of headaches – I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it’s probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it’s at the top as opposed to, I don’t, dangling at the bottom somewhere.

Comedy’s really subjective, you know.

A while back I heard bears have to stick leaves up their arse to stop ants crawling up there and biting them! I know the world is getting overpopulated but it isn’t that crowded that things have to live up an arse. No wonder paddington bear left peru for london. When you’ve got bears wanting to leave the country it makes me wonder what i’m doing here.

I’ve heard that fact, that is you eat more than six bananas it will kill you. I saw a bowl with seven bananas in it and I thought, that’s dangerous.

Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.

People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don’t know if that’s true, if that’s some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this.

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can’t relate to it. I think most people got into ‘cos it gave them something to do on a sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn’t required as much.

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched ‘University Challenge.’ The onion was probably the highlight.

Phlegm.

Had a wee in the amazon. Until richard told me I should be careful because there are some tiny fish that can swim up from the water through my urine and into my knob! is that how amazing the amazon is? the fish in there would really rather live in my knob than the river.

I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you’re seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that’s added gives you a certain feeling.

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says – it’s only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!.

[jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? just give them another 3% and make them water. It’s more useful.

The cafe was called tattoos. The fella who owned it didn’t have any tattoos… But we never saw his wife.

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. I walked down the street feeling like the pied piper. At.

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go ‘even though i’ve been enjoying it, i’ve had enough. Give us another book.

I thought the fart was a human thing. It’s something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

It’s interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

I’ve been on the planet for 40 years now, and I’m still none the wiser as to what it’s all about really. I’ve never worried about life’s big questions. People at my age sit about pondering, ‘Why are we here?’ The only time I ever asked myself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an’ all this. It’s nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it’s because there’s too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

I must have had about 30 to 40 people surrounding me. I’d seen footage of gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

A dog has got human eyes.

I could eat a knob at night.

I’d say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they’re meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.

People who live in glass houses… have to answer the door.

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn’t know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

Apparently you’re not allowed to lick a toad’s back.

If you can’t do it, don’t do it.

But I’m not an idiot. At the end of the day, I’ve learned a lot.